October 5, 2011

October 5, 2011 – As I sit here waiting for the ambulance to show up, I thought I would post the latest update.

Monday was a hard day for Karen – tests, test and more tests. She did a bone scan, a head scan and a biopsy, which all totaled was about a 2 ½ hour ordeal. I felt so sorry for her having to go through all those tests. I just wanted to pull her out of those scanning machines, take her home and tell her it’ll all be alright, but such was not the case…

Got interrupted, but it was a good interruption. A great personal friend of ours Emma showed up with breakfast for me, so we sat and chatted as we waited for the ambulance to show up to take Karen home.

Monday evening Karen turned to me and with those pleading eyes asked me to please tell her just how serious her condition was. I couldn't or wouldn't lie, so I told her what all had been found so far on the CT-scan. When they were doing the biopsy they also had to do a scan so they could make sure that the needle went into the right place and that they would be able to get a proper sample. Her liver is just covered with cancer.

I told her what the doc had said about there being cancer all through her abdomen area and in her lungs as well as her breast. Believe me when I say this was the hardest thing I think I have ever done, but she deserved to know. One of the doctors [don’t remember which one] told us that she is full of cancer in her abdominal area.

I stayed with her Monday night as well, and neither of us got any sleep. Monday night was a very miserable night for both of us, but especially for her. She got no sleep, constantly tossing and turning. About 6 am she asked if I would come around to the side she was facing. I was on the opposite side as they had all the equipment on that side. I walked around, and she took my hand, and looked me in the eyes, and said “I’m done fighting. I don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to ‘go home’.” I asked, “Do you mean home to Austin?” to which she replied “No, I want to go home to heaven!”  Of course, I sat in numb silence for a while, choking back the tears. One always thinks they are prepared for this moment, but let me tell you, unless you have been there, there is no preparation! I held her hand for a while, and when I could speak, I asked her if she wants me to tell the children. She replied that no, she wants to tell them.

I called the children right away at their hotel, and asked them to get there as soon as they safely could. When they got there, Karen motioned for them to come over to the bed, and she told them the same thing she told me, and spent time with each one. After she finished, she asked that everything be taken off of her, even the oxygen. I reminded her that she needs the oxygen to breath, so she consented to that.

I asked the nurse to come in and removed all the wires and tubes, and when that was done, she rolled to her side, relaxed, and fell asleep. She had made peace with death, and said her goodbyes. She slept all day, becoming less and less responsive.

While I was waiting for the children to show up, I went out and spoke to the nurse, checking up on her vitals and electrolytes. She told me that the only thing that was really stable was her sodium. Her bilirubin level was at 6.6, which is too high to do any kind of treatment, no matter what kind of cancer it might be. Her white cell count was over 26k, which is extremely high. Also, during the night Sunday they had her on 3 liters of oxygen, but throughout Monday night, they had to up it to 12 liters, and she's still on that amount.

The social workers and doctors were extremely helpful in getting hospice lined up for us and also transportation from Dallas to Austin. We had to pay for the ambulance trip, but hospice is taking care of the hospital bed and oxygen.

This is now Wednesday evening. We had an uneventful trip back to Austin, but once we got to our house, the ambulance driver realized that they didn’t have the right oxygen equipment for us. She needs a 12 liter oxygen machine, and they only had a 5 liter here! So they sat in the driveway for almost two hours so Karen can stay on oxygen while I got on the phone with hospice. They immediately called the equipment company who then brought the right equipment out.

We have brought Karen home and are making her as comfortable as possible in her last days. Hospice is sending a nurse out this evening to help me with care of Karen. I love her so much…just don’t want to see her suffer.

We still haven’t heard any results from the biopsy as to what kind of cancer we are dealing with, but my gut tells me that is was/is pancreatic. I definitely covet and desire your prayers as I take care of my loved one!